Team Jacob Goes Potty

Dogs are Dummies

I'm going to confidently say that I KNOW FOR A FACT that it's not breaking news when I declare that all dogs are dumb.  By "all dogs" I really specifically mean "my particular dog" because I want to avoid the random PETA hate and private letters from everyone who has a dog with an actual job that serves a purpose.  On behalf of 99% of ugly people in the world, we have terrible luck when it comes to making broad generalizations.  If for example, someone like Jessica Alba made the sweeping comment that "all Canadians enjoy yellow snow" 60% of us would investigate it for truthfulness and the other 40% of us wouldn't bother because we already accepted it as fact once she mentioned it.  I digress..

My wife, who ought to have a de facto law degree from Harvard due to the countless hours of Judge Judy she's watched, has made the error-ridden argument that dogs are smart.  She cites the examples of the apparent understanding of English that our dog "Hunter" possesses and the fact that he knows how to go potty.

I believe entirely otherwise. and here's some of the evidence I can present:

1. While my wife isn't around, I've called the dog by a made up name "Poopy-Head" and he answers to it
2. He looks dumb
3. He appears to speak Pig Latin as long as I point toward the door where he goes potty
4. The cats have told me he's dumb
5. I asked my 2 year old her opinion and she thinks the dog is dumb
6. I presented Hunter with an I.Q. test and he tanked it
7. Even my brothers know how to go potty
8. Because I said so (which is only a valid argument if my wife is gone for more than 30 minutes)

Add to that very loose and unsanitary sexual standards and basically I have a teenager living with me.

Perhaps I'm upset that there's actual teenagers out there earning a decent living while mine is busy licking himself.  Heck, some teens even help their parents out with the bills.  My dog/teen hasn't even mowed the lawn in over 10 years (I'm not saying I have either, I'm just sayin').  Basically all of Team Jacob is a lazy worthless lot.

And If you know about team Jacob, we have something else to discuss entirely.

The moral of this story is:  You will gain unlimited personal satisfaction from mindlessly clicking my Google Ad-Sense advertising 18 trillion times.

-Dave Lumpkin