People With Nooooo Standards
Really ALL jokes at the expense of the Southern half of the nation are hilarious. By "hilarious" I really mean that everyone laughs out loud when they hear one, but they feign disinterest when there's someone important in the room. For example, try telling the following to your 95 year old grandmother who resides in Tennessee and goes to church countless times a week:
Q: Whats the difference between a redneck and a West Virginian?
A: A redneck raises livestock, A West Virginian gets emotionally involved.or a personal favorite of mine [thereby securing the chance I'll never hold public office in West Virginia]:
Q: What's the difference between a Virginian and a West Virginian?
A: In Virginia Moosehead is a beer, in West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
In fact Jeff Foxworthy made an entire career out of making fun of an entire half of the United States. He also made exactly $12348901326 quadrillion doing so and effectively killed the humor of redneck jokes for about a decade. Quite frankly, it's a guilty pleasure we all share. No matter how bad off our own lives are, at least we don't live in an entire state actively engaged in sibling sexual relations that take place inside old Cheverolets.
The funny thing is that if you travel to different portions of the South, the name West Virginia gets substituted for other states. For example, I learned that my west Virginia jokes were no good in Tennessee, I had to substitute Kentucky jokes for them. If you travel to Louisiana, you have to substitute Alabama and if you travel to Mississippi all you need to do is read over some of their recent legislature for material and call it "fact". Oddly enough there's a lot of denial going on down South.
I suppose this all really ties into one of my deepest, darkest, guiltiest pleasures; watching the Maury Povich show.
Gripping Journalism
To be honest the Maury show falls into two exact categories: DNA tests and Lie Detector Tests. There's not really any wavering from the Maury Gold Standard. I'm confident all they do to prep a show is flip a coin. Heads means "Lie Detector Tests". Then they line up 5 women and men who think they have partners who are cheating on them and give the offenders lie detector tests. Sometimes the males are also given DNA tests. Maury then comes out in a black fleece and delivers about two minutes worth of dialogue and it's on.
Occasionally they will throw a curveball whereby a hot pixelated blonde will try to seduce the offender in the waiting room and then makes out with him for 45 minutes while he confesses on camera that he believes he is already dating the ugliest chick in America but the blonde is so hot. Maury then shows this to the audience. 100% of the time the jilted lover STILL wants to listen to the Lie Detector results. This sort of silliness is riveting. The results are NEVER EVER EVER shocking to the viewer. In fact I'm convinced that if I ever show up on Maury, my marriage is over and I may as well make out with the chick in the waiting room.
I would be remiss go on without giving a nod to Maury's DNA testing program. In short, there's a WWE-like sound-byte whereby the male states that he is not the father because the female is a MASSIVE prostitute (the logic is typically this flawless). Then he comes out to the audience and gets booed. Maury asks him that if he IS the father will he be a part of the baby's life. He says that he LOVES babies (despite the fact that he hasn't even purchased diapers for the child in three years) and wants to be the daddy.
Skip to the baby-cam. A picture of the baby is juxtaposed with a picture of the alleged father. The home viewers are forced to place wagers whether or not they believe the guy is the father. My wife finds this to be the most genius element of programming on television and I am inclined to agree. Maury then reads the results which are typically NOT what you'd expect and the audience goes wild. He always says "In the case of Baby _____, YOU [ARE/ARE NOT] THE FATHER.
Now that doesn't really sound enticing, except for the fact that often times there are women there being obviously exploited for ratings who are on their 4th or 5th paternity test with different men who "all fit the timeframe" so-to-speak. There is also the matter of how they all talk. In short, chicks and guys with a low moral foundation are captivating to me.
Blah, blah, blah..click on all of my Google Ad-Sense advertising...in the meantime I'll leave you with this gem I found on the web from http://www.perryland.com/humor10.shtml:
Question: How do they practice "SAFE SEX" in West Virginia?
Answer: They paint a red "X" on the cows that kick.
-Dave Lumpkin
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