Wise, Old Man
After twelve full years of careful deliberation, I've come to the conclusion that I'm no longer Twenty-Three. I was forced to conclude this somewhat when my younger brother came to visit over the weekend. By "younger brother", I really just mean there's a 2+ year age difference, but decades ago that used to be all I needed. I doubt if I could actually beat the crap out of him anymore if I tried. This is extremely disconcerting to anyone who is an older brother/sister.
By the way, there's no strippers in today's post. I simply noticed that if I put that word in the title I get a LOT more hits on the advertising. I am also using the word "Naked". I will let you know how it all pans out.
Although it's easy to jump the gun and declare myself old, I still FEEL like a young moron. I still drive like an idiot and I'm still capable of making stupid decisions. Nowadays, though, I've learned to just keep quiet and learn from everyone else making dumb decisions. I shake my head disdainfully when I hear about them, say something like "wow, unbelievable." and then thank Jesus that it wasn't me, because I could have seen myself doing the same stupid thing.
My body, however is maturing at a rate that exponentially dominates the slow growth of my feeble mind. In fact, since I wasn't gifted with Peyton Manning or Mark Cuban's genetic make-up, I've decided to punish my body by treating it like crap. I eat absolute garbage (which I am able to cook extremely well thanks to all these years in the food industry) and own a gym membership that I've essentially never used.
It was painful to see that my grandmother is WAY more mobile than I am last weekend. I was there in attendance of her 95th birthday. Now, it's true I just got out of a leg cast and am still in crutches, but I KNOW that if we raced last weekend, she would have destroyed me in the 40.
I also have a wheelchair I use occasionally. On those occasions my orange and white cat is usually sitting in it. I've tried to explain to him that having a brain the size of a walnut does not constitute having a handicap so I should have the chair. He doesn't move. I conclude that the cat is therefore smarter than I suspected.
I Demand an Offering From My Subjects
I actually have a sneaking suspicion that cats are the dominant planetary species. They've provided us with dogs to lower our IQ by forcing us into contact with THE single dumbest genus of animal in existence. This is much like the conspiracy theory that the government allows poor people to use narcotics to keep them oppressed and is in charge of illegal drug trafficking. Cats likely own pet stores and have a lot of say where strays end up.
There's a couple people out there still holding out that dogs are smarter than cats. In fact, there are SOME total dummies who believe that there are other planetary species that possess higher intelligence. Let me discredit all this in a few irrefutable bullet points:
- Cats are smarter than dolphins because dolphins swim in the ocean. The ocean is filled with fish poop. Dolphins also likely poop in the ocean. Humans dump their trash in the ocean. The ocean is a huge toilet that dolphins chose to be a part of. Cats did not.
- Cats are smarter than cockroaches because cockroaches are ALSO poop eaters. It's been said that cockroaches are smart because they would survive a nuclear holocaust. Cockroaches have not yet invented nuclear weapons, though, so we can't really test this.
- Cats are smarter than people because they don't have jobs or a stupid economy that's based on archaic principles and questionably-moraled banking institutions. They also force us to feed them and they repay our kindness by making sure our curtains and have enough holes in them to be ineffective. They also regularly exert their superiority by sharpening their claws on things that are important to us (like the backs of our sofas and our bed boxsprings) so we know our place.
- Although it's easy to argue that some dogs are poop eaters and rest my case, I'll offer some different examples. Cats are smarter than dogs because cats are potty trained in litter boxes. Dogs poop anywhere. Also 90% of dogs live in fear of a cat in joint living situations. DOGS regularly can be seen eating CAT food. A cat (the lion) is king of the jungle.
You can try and argue any of this, but I have enough well-logically developed evidence in my pocket to bury you.
Therefore I've decided to create a new Awareness Fund to help our place in civilization. Admittedly I will NOT be pursuing this as feverishly as the Dave Lumpkin Stripper Awareness Fund, but, nonetheless you can be sure I CARE about humanity. Please don't ask what the Fund pays for. That is highly classified.
YOU can help me raise money for the new Dave Lumpkin Litterbox Freedom Fund. You can do this by relentlessly and eagerly clicking on all of the Google Ad-Sense ads to the left and right of this blog. Your cat orders you.
In the meantime, I'm going to spend the next couple hours NOT in the gym while eating jellybeans from a gift basket I got from my wonderful boss and my fellow management cronies. I'm going to pretend it's because they miss me, and NOT that they think I'm a genetic tragedy.
-Dave Lumpkin
No comments:
Post a Comment