The Tactical Solution to the Nigerian Lotto Scam by a New Millionaire

Lucky Bastard

I woke up today in a very ambivalent mood.  The Cowboys got punished in a pre-season game and there was a drought of Mountain Dew in our refrigerator.  Add to that the fact that I am currently in a nuclear orange leg cast in a wheelchair and it's easy to wonder why I'm not clinically depressed.  I hobbled upstairs to check my e-mail and suddenly discovered that my luck had changed for good.

According to Mrs. Rose Quinones of the Australian International Lottery Commission (names slightly changed to protect the internationally innocent) I HAVE JUST WON $1 MILLION IN U.S. DOLLARS!  All I have to do is contact my (pay attention here) Nigerian claims agent in Nigeria where the lotto was conducted, named Babatunde Bradley and send him the following:

Claims Requirements:
Ticket Number:AUGB8101/LPRC
Batch Numbers: 7050470902/189
Ref Number: 435062725
Bonus Number 17
1.Full Names:
2.Nationality:
3.Age:
4.Sex:
5.Contact Address:
6.Telephone Number:
7.Occupation:

8.Social Security Number:

9.Please mail us 2 of your children so we can enslave them, I mean verify your lottery claim:

Did I forget to mention the fact that The Australian Lottery was conducted in Nigeria and coincidentally was payed out in U.S. dollars?  Just in case I did, I've included the actual lottery ticket number that I never purchased with the authentic batch and reference numbers from the e-mail.  And all this got me to thinking...

Now that I'm a bona fide millionaire I can say whatever I please!  I no longer have to censor my mouth or worry about the political ramifications because I have enough money to influence politics as I see fit!  Therefore I am going to propose a few changes.

The current ambassador to Nigeria, (no doubt a potential multi-national U.S./Aussie gazillionaire) is Terence P. McCulley.  I recommend he be recalled immediately and re-assigned to a new, more lucrative post in Pakistan which came up under my Google search for "worst country ever".  In his place I suggest we assign a gigantic tactical nuke to be the new U.S. ambassador with full diplomatic immunity just for good measure.  Some of the conversations might go like this.

Nigerian Government:  "Hey, new guy! Did you know that you just won the British Royal Lottery AND the Lottery of the Former Soviet Republic of Belarus, both of which we conduct here and both of which pay out in nice round U.S. dollar figures?"

New U.S. Ambassador: [begins counting down from 10]

BOOM

Now, to be fair, I WAS somewhat tempted to mail 2 of my children into slavery for the tidy sum of a million dollars.  Considering the down economy, it would be nice to know that half of them landed a job so easily.  On the other hand I thought it fair to point out that the Nigerians could do a LITTLE better with their attempted ruse.  So I'm going to point that out here where no one will be able to find it:

Dear Nigerian based Australian Lottery Commission that Pays in U.S. Dollars, 

   This letter is to inform you that you are NOT scamming up to your potential.  Every good American knows that the best way to steal our money is to propose a weight-loss program that involves eating tons of McDonald's and never exercising ever again.  You see, even over here some of our best crack dealers have GEDs and our more responsible and more upstanding crack dealers know that in order to hook us on the product, you must give us our first hit for free.

  So here's my proposition:  In addition to EVERYONE clicking on all of my Google AdSense advertisements ravenously and furiously, please send all of your potential victims $1 million U.S. the first time around to get us interested in your awesome new weight-loss regimen that involves McDonald's, Mt. Dew and Ho-Ho's.  Instead of mailing us the money, show us your goodwill by going door-to-door in bright orange jumpsuits with signs that state "I AM CARRYING AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF CASH".   

  Please start by doing this in our most economically depressed neighborhoods after midnight.

Love,
Dave Lumpkin

I'm pretty sure I just fixed U.S.-Nigerian relations RIGHT HERE in front of your eyes.  This is of course, something only a millionaire could do and not you silly poor people.

-Dave Lumpkin