Room Cleaning, Traffic Cones and Civic Duty

Teaching the Kids about Being Grown-Ups

     First of all I'd like to apologize for not writing earlier.  I must confess that I had a lot more important things going on in my life, like video games and golf, not to mention the fact that I've been completely stressed out while I'm back in Virginia away from my wife and kids.  As you can imagine, it's been pretty rough being able to wake up whenever I want to while not hearing screaming and fighting, not hearing the moaning and bitching from my lovely bride about the kids and the idiot dog, and having to drink all the beer and Jim Beam I want to without getting lectured and being able to scratch myself with my car keys without anyone rolling their eyes.

     That said, I should point out that I have thought about the kids at least twice a month.  I'm trying to purchase a house for us out in the far reaches of Virginia that commuters and Civil War historians have never heard of.  I was not-shocked, however to discover that the government HAD heard of Rixeyville, and did plan on extending its benevolent tax code to that area.  This got me thinking...at some point I really need to teach the kids about their civic duties and the joys of being a great community participant.

     For those of you who are new to parenthood, I'd like to make light of the fact that teaching the kids about taxation may come with some trial and error.  A common "rookie-mistake" is to take your little ones out Trick-or-Treating during Halloween and institute what is known as a "Daddy-Tax" on their candy-income.  First of all, you won't really be able to teach them how to enjoy paying taxes if you only eat a couple of Tootsie rolls.  They may only grasp the concept that "this sucks" and "I hate my dad".  These feelings generally end when their mother allows them to eat 324502367 pieces of candy that evening and subsequent days after breakfast and dinner for the next 3.7 years.

     In order to REALLY help them enjoy a true Daddy-Tax, you have to run (here's where it gets tricky depending on your current marital situation) for the position of being their father, while promising never to tax Halloween Candy.  Once you are elected (assuming you beat the mailman and gym instructor), you should take 10 seconds to "think" about reducing or eliminating the Daddy-Tax and then point out that it's in the best interest of the family to keep it where it is.  THEN you should raise the tax to an appropriate level, say 33% of their candy earnings, and then collect at the end of the night while your wife isn't looking so you don't get yelled at.

     This is a "rookie mistake" is due to the following reasons:

1. You will never win the election for being Daddy while there is still a mailman or gym instructor
2. Your kids are smarter than tax payers and will never believe you when you promise to eliminate the Daddy-Tax
3. Your kids will collect so much candy that year that you will surely develop an instant case of Type 2 Diabetes.

     Therefore I've developed a NEWER, BOLDER plan of action that requires YOUR help

Dave Lumpkin's Department of Room Cleaning

      If math is a sore subject, feel free to click on all the advertising to the left and right of this article to kill time while skipping the rest of the blog.  The money you generate will go directly to the Dave Lumpkin Stripper Awareness Fund that I'm happy to say has collected well over $10 in it over the last two years thanks to my loyal readers!

     The first thing I plan on doing is holding a vote to determine which of my 2390 kids would like to have as much money as they want.  This, after all is the American Dream.  I plan on copying and pasting a Bill of Rights and promising them all the freedoms we currently enjoy.  I'll have the winner sign a blank piece of paper which I plan on filling in later.

     Let's say the winner of the vote is my second kid, Gabriel who happens to be extremely charismatic and completely devoid of common sense.  I'll ask Gabriel to tell me how much money he wants to make per week and then agree to that figure.  Let's say it's in the neighborhood of 23 trillion dollars.  He will again sign a piece of paper that says something to the effect of "terms subject to change whenever Daddy thinks it's funny".  I'll immediately change the terms to "must clean up his room completely in order to receive money" and then determine that the room hasn't been cleaned fast enough.  This will be completely easy to do because it takes Gabriel and his brothers 462 years to clean their room anyhow, so I have time.

     THEN, I will write Gabriel a check for all the money I've promised him, which is exactly 43 cents.  Then I will make a big show of giving his 4 year old sister a crisp $20 bill while everyone is watching.  IF he asks why, I'll note that I've hired her to be Dave Lumpkin's Department of Room Cleaning and I've deducted the appropriate amount from his taxes.  Once he's asked for an itemized breakdown of where the REST of his money went, I'll submit the following:

1. $22,999,999,999,979.57 went to the LOLfund that keeps a roof over your head and purchases regular Pokemon game updates.  Actually your mother is the one who spent it all.
2. $20 went to your 4 year old sister
3. Which leaves you exactly 43 cents
4. If you don't like it, then get a better job
5. By the way, you need to register all your squirt guns so that I can potentially confiscate them.
6. I promise to never read all of your email HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

     Once that's in place, I will ask his sister to get his room clean.  She will be asked to clean it herself.  This will consist of placing a bright orange traffic cone in front of the messy parts and saying that "she's working on it" while asking for more money that I WILL give to her in order to get it clean.  I will then ensure that this never really happens.  Dads, please resist the temptation to call her the "Department of Transportation".

     If this sounds like a great idea, I urge you to frantically mail me $23 trillion per week so I can make this happen.  After all good citizenship makes great leaders.

-Dave Lumpkin