Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga and Porn

Ga-Ga-Ooh-La-Laaa

     I'm not really sure WHY I like Lady Gaga.  I know for a fact that on a scale of 1-10 that her beauty rates about a 5ish and her music has all the musical talent of [insert Disney starlet] in a coma with their throatbox missing.  In fact, I can pretty much surmise that rock and roll is dead, rap is on life support and the only thing that matters anymore on the musical charts is Justin Bieber.  

     As an aside, if Justin Bieber was a female I'd bet my entire mortgage, kids college fund and your lunch money that the female Justin Bieber would show up in a porno winin the next 4 years.  This leads me to my next thought...

     Typically I'd bet the farm that a female Justin Bieber would appear in Playboy, but with the advent of free internet porn, Playboy has gone the way of Rock and Roll, the pager and maps that unfold.  Here today is Octomom porn, cell phones you can have conversations with (for the iPhone users, ask Siri where you can hide a dead body, it's a GREAT Easter Egg), and Justin Bieber huskily mewing about what he would do if he were your boyfriend.  Maroon 5, a band that ALMOST resembled new generation rock years ago is now led by a frontman who's better known for reality TV and has completely, utterly and undeniably sold out to the Disney Pop crowd.

     Music hasn't really had any meaning for our generation since Rage Against the Machine (love or hate their politics) and their lyrics that said things like "[word that means perform coitus] YOU I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!" repeated over and over

    That said, Lady Gaga at least pretends to cater to the "I love you for who you are" message while preaching acceptance to the LGBT community, nerds, freaks, emos, jocks and everyone who has ever felt disenfranchised (which is approximately 345907 trillion percent of teenagers).  If I were single, I even think I'd fancy sleeping with her in her robot helmet and crutches in her Paparazzi video seen here around the 3:50 mark.  I really have no logical explanation or well thought out defense on the matter except that I'm a dude and she's a chick.

What is Wrong with Me?

     Now let me take the time to admit something else.  I'm strangely attracted to Martha Stewart.  Conventional wisdom suggests that people are attracted to others based on the behavior, mannerisms and body language compared to a similarly-gendered parent.  I will tell you right now, my mother was NOT a designer, a crafty person, never managed a multi-million dollar portfolio, appeared on TV or spent any amount of time in the slammer after defrauding Wall Street.  When compared to Lady Gaga, the differences are even more striking.  The worst outfit my mother ever wore was a pantsuit with linebacker-like shoulder pads, but SOMEHOW that was fashionable in the 1980's so she gets a pass.

     Let me get back on the subject.  At the ripe old age of 36 I've determined that I'm an old man.  The music today blows and isn't as good as it was when WE were growing up, I fully believe that the bicycle-helmet generation of kids we're raising will ultimately destroy America in a hailstorm of bleeding heart liberalism, AND I secretly wish that flip-phones were back in style because I thought they looked cool (nevermind pagers that were cool because you never had to answer them).

     I also believe that the iTunes song popularity chart is governed by the devil and that cartoons are written by sissies.  I think that Hollywood is uninspired and that if it weren't for comic books, we'd have nothing decent to go to the theater for (excluding Captain America, which I maintain was the worst movie since [insert rom-com here]).  I believe that parents these days are pushovers and If I continue down this road, I'll be shaking my cane at the neighborhood hooligans telling them to get away from my lawn!

     To keep it real, though, if my wife ever leaves me there will be a special place in my heart for Lady Gaga, who is more talented than Justin Bieber and (despite rumors of her possessing male genitalia) a LOT hotter.  When (perhaps not if) she ends up on the shadier side of the internet, I will have to include links to it here.

     In the meantime, I ask that you click like a crack-fiend on all of my Google AdSense ads to the left and right of this article.  It will calm your nerves and each click will give me the $.01 cents that I need to buy flowers for my wife after she reads this article.  You're doing the right thing, Justin Bieber commands you!

-Dave Lumpkin