Gigantic Dummies
Let me begin by pointing out that I, of course am not a dummy - unless you ask my wife and then I'm certain she could point out an entire list of things I've done that make me "not smart". Then again it hit me the other day that being a dummy isn't entirely terrible after all as long as you're charming. There are a ton of examples of this from Hollywood and television. You have Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Beavis and Butthead, Dude, Where's My Car, Patrick Star from Spongebob Squarepants, and let's not forget Michele Bachmann
I'm not sure where my own fascination comes from in watching and listening to dummies. I think perhaps it makes me feel smarter in my own right. I even take great glee in listening to people botch facts or sayings or conventional wisdom in a private setting as well. I'll be honest, though I don't usually associate myself with entire groups of dummies so it doesn't happen very often, but when someone in my social circle makes a factual or social blunder I feel like a teenage schoolgirl watching Glee.
Quite frankly, there's a lot of things that as a MAN I'm supposed to know that I really don't. In fact if you yourself enjoy watching people look stupid, just hand me a filter and some 5W-30 for my car and tell me that the world depends on me to change the oil in my rollerskate. I'd have my mancard revoked. I'd be willing to bet I am more likely to have a successful career as a Rapper than be able to get it done.
M.C. Dummy Head
So I thought I'd come clean and admit some of the things that I don't know but REALLY ought to just in case it ever comes up in conversation.
- I have NO idea what the difference between straw and hay is, they look the same
- I don't know how deep the ocean gets, I'm guessing less than 4 miles?
- I'm being serious I REALLY don't know how to change the oil in my car, or where to even start.
- I don't know ANYTHING about Glee, Vampires or anything else that chicks like these days
- If given a piece of paper and pencil, I could only name 42 states from memory (I DEFY you to try this)
- I think I only knew like 10 of the state capitals
- Ok, geography is my weakest link, I don't know all the Canadian provinces and I could only come up with like 25 European countries from memory, too.
- Although I can wash and fold my own clothes, I SUCK at stain removal.
Really that's only a sample of my ignorance, but I have a scientific theory that the reason I couldn't do any of those things properly is because I've chosen to memorize, master or recall stupid crap from my childhood that will NEVER EVER help me accomplish anything when I grow up. For example:
- I know far too many characters from G.I. Joe and Transformers, although you may argue this helped me with all the extremely imaginative Hollywood movies recently
- If you sat me in front of a computer with World of Warcraft on it, I'd bet I get farther than most people
- Thanks to my kids I have a deeper understanding of Pokemon than anyone legally should
- I can tell you more than you ever needed to know about "The Big Bang Theory"
- I've always known it takes about 8 minutes for light to reach Earth from the Sun
- Thanks to Google, I happen to know that a green apple has more energy in it than coffee
It's my firm belief that I could have solved the Grand Unification Theory in physics, but I instead chose to fill my brain with baseball statistics from the 1990's.
Therefore I've decided to Raise Awareness for Stupidity. If you enjoy listening to stupid things or watching them I encourage you to deftly and ravenously click on all of my Google AdSense ads to the left and right of this article. The $0.25 you raise for each click will fund my fight against Dummies like Michele Bachmann and will raise my own awareness by allowing me to watch "Dude, Where's My Car" again on Netflix (trust me, click and read about THAT one). In the meantime, if any of you happen to know what the difference between straw and hay is without Google-ing it, hit me up on twitter @DaveLumpkin.
-Dave Lumpkin
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