THE SKY IS FALLING
I was watching the History Channel yesterday.. Before I could even be immersed in the mind bending wonder of conspiracy theories and Egyptology, I noticed that I was actually watching History Channel 2 (or H2 as it comes up on my channel listing). My first thought was that this perhaps was the Hydrogen Channel - the male answer to the heavily female oriented Oxygen channel. That wasn't the end of my nerd-moment, however. I then figured, why would a male network be named H2, instead of the more appropriate chemical symbol of CH4 (that's methane for you dummies, and for the real slow ones, that's the main ingredient of what everything farts)? But none of this is really my point.
The History Channel, from time to time, likes to put out a few shows about the end of the world. They can be divided scientifically into two categories: half hour specials on the Mayan calendar or half hour specials on Nostradamus. Both categories are weakly argued and leave a lot to ignorant interpretation. I was given the Nostradamus treatment yesterday, and I admit I was stricken for exactly three point oh-seven seconds that perhaps there was something to this nonsense after all!
What started me on the subject was the report of the prediction by Saint Malachy of the number and nature of Catholic Popes. I encourage you to click the link so you can get worked up, too. This particularly disturbed me since we are currently hanging out with the last pope to be predicted by Saint Malachy. What REALLY REALLY bothered me but wasn't a point made by the program was that this completely corresponds with the end of the Mayan calendar. Unless something ridiculous happens to Pope Benedict XVI, he ought to be the head of the Catholic Church on December 21, 2012.
So there I was in my black boxer briefs with a toothbrush hanging out my my mouth and toothpaste dribble in my chin hair. For that brief moment I was a firm believer in the Second Amendment, duct tape and bottled water. I also may have dug absent-mindedly inside my ear with my pointer finger.
My Own Bold Predictions
Let me give a quick nod to the Bible here (skip this paragraph if you are going to Hell). It will accomplish two things; it will piss half of you off and please the other half of you. According to Matthew 24:36 not even Baby Jesus in a manger knows when the world is supposed to end. Of course, I should mention Matthew 7:15 which warns people to beware false prophets. There, we got that out of the way. I'm going to tread extremely lightly here for fear of being zapped by lightning and being turned into a a celestial charcoal briquette. Now that you all know what I've mentioned from the Bible I'm confident you all (mostly and hopefully the good Lord) understand that the next part is in jest.
I can't exactly ignore the fact that people who make good solid predictions gain a lot of notoriety and likely make a lot of money. Miss Cleo, for example suckered exactly 23403291235 people out of precisely $1239581326 trillion at the rate of 99 cents a minute to give them their bogus fortune. That sort of money is a little hard to ignore, so I'm going to have to tap into it as well.
Therefore I have individually written the fortune of EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU and included it inside my Google AdSense advertisements to the left and right of this blog. All you have to do is click on each ad sixteen times and write down the first letter of each first word that you see. Then unscramble it. This also has the fantastic by-product of making me about 20 cents richer per click. I took the liberty of going first. My fortune says "METHANE FARTING DINOSAURS WILL CAMP OUT IN YOUR CHICKENS"
That's something I'm going to have to come to grips with in the next fifteen months before the Age of Aquarius. In the meantime, I recommend that you spend a lot of money stockpiling duct tape and Beano and tune into the History Channel for the next update. Take a moment to review all the RFK and JFK assassination controversies as well. Once you've bought into the fact that the alien-controlled Illuminati are killing off everyone and are in charge of our free market capitalism, you should be in the right mindset to understand WHY you need to click on all my advertising.
Until then, be sure to check your underwear and start going to church.
-Dave Lumpkin
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