The Technology Coma
As much as I'd like to take credit for this term, it was actually coined by my brother Drew, who for reasons I cannot disclose here would NOT be elected President of the United States anytime soon. A technology coma happens when a person is unavailable to the conscious world both mentally and physically due to total immersion in their phone, laptop, tablet or Google Glass which theoretically allows them to see people making fun of them nearby. Unfortunately, no one has ever actually witnessed anyone else in a state of Technology Coma, because we're all too busy checking our Facebook statuses (or in my wife's case Pinterest)
An aside here - Pinterest is the female equivalent to porn. Basically, it gives women 80 trillion free photos and videos to click on that they have no shot at actually doing, but gets them all worked up like they have a chance anyway. The only difference is that my wife seems unwilling to delete her browser history after logging into Pinterest.
Occasionally I have the opportunity and option to log off of my phone and catch what's actually going on in the world around me. This idea came to me via an article from my sister-in-law, posted to Facebook which everyone reads on their phones about how you could become a terrible parent if you pay more attention to the Internet than your own children. This idea was so intriguing that I immediately popped up from my reading, yelled at my kids to be quiet, and then resumed the article. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING, EVERYONE KNOWS MY KIDS ARE STILL IN TENNESSEE, I POPPED MY HEAD UP AND SHOUTED AT MY IN-LAWS.
All of this actually got me to thinking - I'm pretty sure the writer of the article is way out of touch or actually has no kids of her own. I point this out because my oldest son, Hadyn spends enough time on the iPhone playing video games that a reasonable case can be made that he invented the Internet with Al Gore. My wife and I usually have to cut the power to the house, turn the stove on until the ambient temperature is around 88 degrees, flush both our phones down the toilet and swear to 3 different deities that there is Internet access available away from the house in order to get him to go outside and play in the grass.
For those of you who don't know, "grass" is a green substance invented by liberals in UCLA in the early 60's that helped our country invent bar-code scanners, halogen lamps and AstroTurf. Its current applications are evident in Washington DC politics, has helped Marion Barry get reelected several times, and has helped Frito-Lay (a subdivision of PepsiCo) maintain regular record profits by causing the "munchies". It can currently be found in Amsterdam, or in your neighbor's living room, whichever is closer.
To put it succinctly, as I write this article via the Internet that you are likely reading on your phone, it's not my fault! Now a recent case has been made that texting-and-driving is exactly 2323.3440001 times more dangerous than drinking-and-driving. I'd like to point out that this is exactly because you don't always have the same access to porn at your local bar. But I'd like to go further and examine some of the similarities between Technology Comas and alcohol consumption...
As I copy-and-paste that, half of you remember that calculator trick and are laughing hysterically and the other half of you are waiting for me to google what a "calculator" is and give you the answer. At any rate, I've come up with the following air-tight, logically sound comparisons between the Internet/texting/technology comas and alcohol:
An aside here - Pinterest is the female equivalent to porn. Basically, it gives women 80 trillion free photos and videos to click on that they have no shot at actually doing, but gets them all worked up like they have a chance anyway. The only difference is that my wife seems unwilling to delete her browser history after logging into Pinterest.
Occasionally I have the opportunity and option to log off of my phone and catch what's actually going on in the world around me. This idea came to me via an article from my sister-in-law, posted to Facebook which everyone reads on their phones about how you could become a terrible parent if you pay more attention to the Internet than your own children. This idea was so intriguing that I immediately popped up from my reading, yelled at my kids to be quiet, and then resumed the article. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING, EVERYONE KNOWS MY KIDS ARE STILL IN TENNESSEE, I POPPED MY HEAD UP AND SHOUTED AT MY IN-LAWS.
All of this actually got me to thinking - I'm pretty sure the writer of the article is way out of touch or actually has no kids of her own. I point this out because my oldest son, Hadyn spends enough time on the iPhone playing video games that a reasonable case can be made that he invented the Internet with Al Gore. My wife and I usually have to cut the power to the house, turn the stove on until the ambient temperature is around 88 degrees, flush both our phones down the toilet and swear to 3 different deities that there is Internet access available away from the house in order to get him to go outside and play in the grass.
For those of you who don't know, "grass" is a green substance invented by liberals in UCLA in the early 60's that helped our country invent bar-code scanners, halogen lamps and AstroTurf. Its current applications are evident in Washington DC politics, has helped Marion Barry get reelected several times, and has helped Frito-Lay (a subdivision of PepsiCo) maintain regular record profits by causing the "munchies". It can currently be found in Amsterdam, or in your neighbor's living room, whichever is closer.
To put it succinctly, as I write this article via the Internet that you are likely reading on your phone, it's not my fault! Now a recent case has been made that texting-and-driving is exactly 2323.3440001 times more dangerous than drinking-and-driving. I'd like to point out that this is exactly because you don't always have the same access to porn at your local bar. But I'd like to go further and examine some of the similarities between Technology Comas and alcohol consumption...
Beer versus Texting
According to everything I remember from elementary school, beer was invented in 1492 by George Washington after he conquered the Aztecs. Texting was invented when my friend Bobby pulled out a calculator in 5th grade and recited the following:
"A woman's boobs weighed 69 pounds, which she though was 2, 2, 2 much. So she went down 51st street to see DR. X he gave her 8 pills.....which left her....
6922251x8= BOOBLESS"
As I copy-and-paste that, half of you remember that calculator trick and are laughing hysterically and the other half of you are waiting for me to google what a "calculator" is and give you the answer. At any rate, I've come up with the following air-tight, logically sound comparisons between the Internet/texting/technology comas and alcohol:
- Both cause you to get in random fights with people you had never met before.
- Both give you freedom to take off your pants and attract attention to yourself
- Both make members of the opposite sex look prettier, one via direct chemical manipulation of the brain and the other via photoshop
- Both allow you to be more social than you actually are: beer does this by lowering your inhibitions and texting allows you to be more social by ignoring everyone else around you.
- Both cause you to drive like a moron on I-66 Eastbound from approximately 6:00 AM up until 5:59 AM the following day.
Now that I have enlightened you all to SOME of the dangers of texting, I encourage you to fund my next idea which I will call the "Dave Lumpkin Alcohol Project". You can donate to me directly, or for free by clicking each and every link to the left and right of this article in such a manner that would cause suspicion from your spouse or partner. I normally don't disclose what these projects actually do, but I feel like I can trust you enough to say that the "Dave Lumpkin Alcohol Project" will allow me to buy more beer and drink it so that I can type more on the Internet which will in turn allow YOU to be more social.
And THAT was more truthful than anything you ever got from Marion Barry before he sneezed.
-Dave Lumpkin
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