Total Jerkface
It recently occurred to me that I'm a total jerkface. To just about everyone I know, this would be about as surprising as finding out that Tila Tequila lacked morals. For those of you on the preacher side of my family, Tila Tequila is the internet equivalent of the Bank of America if it were a sperm bank..and if it only took deposits. For the rest of you, please refer to the cache of questionable worm-ridden videography on your hard drive hidden from your significant others.
Now for most people, the definition of what I represent is a person that's pretty much a jerk to everyone around him. This leaves reasonable room for said person to actually be nice to his smallish circle of friends. I'm almost afraid it's the opposite for me. I tend to be cordial (or at least quiet) to people I don't know very well and treat my friends like total crap.
This was scientifically proven to me while reading a blog by the wife of one of my best friends I grew up with.
This person named "Dratt Geldmann" (he also has a brother named "Fristopher") happens to have been born with an aggressive form of red-green color blindness. He also had problems distinguishing blues and purples. Nevermind the fact that he scored off the charts on his I.Q. test.
In my quest for scientific achievement, I used to break out the box of crayons and quiz him on the colors. I also often forced him to come up with various shades of camouflage that to you and I looked like a neon Picasso. To him it was all a bunch of brown. This was immensely entertaining to me on a daily basis for approximately seven years. The only times his condition REALLY presented itself as a hindrance was when he was on my doubles team and we were shooting pool. Commanding him to shoot the purple ball was about as useful as putting a wig on a cat. Playing Uno was a different tragedy altogether.
I suppose being annoying is something I've always been good at. The dawn of the internet was particularly wonderful for me. Total anonymity combined with a culture of douchebaggery was something I excelled at. I've always been good at being insulting because I grew up as physically intimidating as a blow up doll. I was also about as quick and agile as a paraplegic turtle. To this day I'm convinced that the horrors I endured in middle school could only be understood by a person like Wes Craven or Stephen King.
That's not really a good enough excuse, though. So with this I apologize to everyone I've ever offended or said something mean to. Please don't take this as total and utter repentance, though. I'm certain that my mouth will continue to put me in awkward situations for the next several decades until the good Lord shuts it for me. This is just to say that I actually had a fleeting moment where I felt like a terrible person.
To whomever is reading this right now: You are a beautiful, bright person who makes the people around you happy. And with that you've now witnessed something quite rare these days on Al Gore's Internet. If you happen to be named something similar to "Dratt Geldmann", I'm sorry I was such a jerk and I still think of you and your family as close and personal friends.
Now that we have that out of the way, for the ladies, you may resume your regularly scheduled Groupon shopping, and for the guys please continue with your adventures in pornography. I'll skip the reminders to click on my Google AdSense advertisements to the left and right of this article until you get your pants back on.
Now You See It, Now You Don't
- In order to protect the innocent, I'm going to use names that rhyme with their real ones so that you'll never ever know who I'm talking about.
This person named "Dratt Geldmann" (he also has a brother named "Fristopher") happens to have been born with an aggressive form of red-green color blindness. He also had problems distinguishing blues and purples. Nevermind the fact that he scored off the charts on his I.Q. test.
In my quest for scientific achievement, I used to break out the box of crayons and quiz him on the colors. I also often forced him to come up with various shades of camouflage that to you and I looked like a neon Picasso. To him it was all a bunch of brown. This was immensely entertaining to me on a daily basis for approximately seven years. The only times his condition REALLY presented itself as a hindrance was when he was on my doubles team and we were shooting pool. Commanding him to shoot the purple ball was about as useful as putting a wig on a cat. Playing Uno was a different tragedy altogether.
We Are Not Happy
I suppose being annoying is something I've always been good at. The dawn of the internet was particularly wonderful for me. Total anonymity combined with a culture of douchebaggery was something I excelled at. I've always been good at being insulting because I grew up as physically intimidating as a blow up doll. I was also about as quick and agile as a paraplegic turtle. To this day I'm convinced that the horrors I endured in middle school could only be understood by a person like Wes Craven or Stephen King.
That's not really a good enough excuse, though. So with this I apologize to everyone I've ever offended or said something mean to. Please don't take this as total and utter repentance, though. I'm certain that my mouth will continue to put me in awkward situations for the next several decades until the good Lord shuts it for me. This is just to say that I actually had a fleeting moment where I felt like a terrible person.
To whomever is reading this right now: You are a beautiful, bright person who makes the people around you happy. And with that you've now witnessed something quite rare these days on Al Gore's Internet. If you happen to be named something similar to "Dratt Geldmann", I'm sorry I was such a jerk and I still think of you and your family as close and personal friends.
Now that we have that out of the way, for the ladies, you may resume your regularly scheduled Groupon shopping, and for the guys please continue with your adventures in pornography. I'll skip the reminders to click on my Google AdSense advertisements to the left and right of this article until you get your pants back on.
-Dave Lumpkin
Ha! If it makes you feel any better, I still enjoy playing tricks on Gratt because of his colorblindness. It doesn't get old.
ReplyDeleteI suggest you stop harassing me.
ReplyDelete