I like to consider myself a fairly technologically savvy guy. I "Facebook", I "send tweets", I own an iPod and I'm over the age of 18. I'm also quite capable of cutting and pasting the SAME ridiculous photo of myself for the last three blog entries. Now, that said, I am entirely incapable of changing the oil in my own car and I can barely bench press 80 pounds. Which leads me to my latest theory...
No Guy is 100% Manly
For all the married women out there, this is already a known truth. For all the self-conscious fellas out there OR for all the ladies who think they've stumbled upon the quintessential "alpha-male" boyfriend, prepare to re-think your man. Oh yes, I DID!
By my extremely scientific calculations, every guy is at least 15% shy of total manliness. Some guys like me, who are married (subtract an extra 10%) may be as low as 65% masculine. I haven't worked out all the math and I'm still waiting for a mathematician volunteer to do it for me for free, but you can sort of do this at home by utilizing the following very well thought out and researched table:
-5% - Enjoys shopping a lot (extra 5% if he is subscribed to Coupon Mom)
+3% - Scratches himself in his underwear with his car keys
-8% - pees sitting down and is under age 70
+4% - owns a shotgun (no points if they happen to like NASCAR as well)
+6% - Eats pizza that has been sitting in his living room for an undefined time period out of a pizza box that has also doubled as an ashtray - No points either way if they are aged 18-23
-19% - Owns more pairs of shoes that his significant other (this one put me WAY over the top)
-13% - Watches the OWN and thinks Dr. Laura is insightful
-40% - Has GREAT eyelashes and/or fingernails
- all 100% and total revocation of the Man Card - Has been in a relationship over 20 years with the same partner and now actually thoughtfully puts the toilet seat down afterward.
-18% - Watched ANY single episode of the Twilight Series.
-23.45% - Talks to his mom more than his boo.
There are, of course other things that I have forgotten to list here, and I GENUINELY LOVE to hear feedback and confessions on this one, but this is a reminder that the days of the Marlboro Man and John Wayne are LONG GONE (anyone under age 35 may need to repeatedly click on all my Google Ad-Sense advertising to find out who I'm talking about).
The more this becomes discussed, the less women will feel disgust.
Now I'm going to link this to my Facebook page while some chick changes the oil in my car for me.
-Dave Lumpkin
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