On a scale of 1-10... Ten being Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Lady Gaga after a twelve pack, and One being Keith Richards at any point in his life with his shirt off.. I am a One-Point-Three. This is compounded by the fact that I can't seem to find a cure for getting older (never-mind the small fact that I haven't really been trying either).
Unfortunately, because I am the FURTHEST thing from a show-biz quantified "triple-threat" this means I am doomed to have a normal life for ugly people. Fortunately, the baffling standards by which women choose their mates means that I am quite able to pollute the genetic gene pool with my offspring.
Therefore, I have chosen to do so by spawning an almost welfare-esque amount of children, that thankfully only somewhat look like me.
It occurred to me that human women have the worst standards for mate-choosing in the entire universe. This is easily proven by counting the number of times people like Keith Richards, Lyle Lovett and several of my friends have had sex. Clearly, genetic purity has ZERO to do with it.
Don't get me wrong, there are men so filled with testosterone and imbalanced hormones that they would reproduce with anything remotely resembling a mammal (and even then wouldn't tell an amphibian "no"). I used to hang out with all of them in high school and college. They, however are detrimental to my argument, so I am going to pretend that they don't exist and you'd do well to ignore them also so that my argument will be air-tight from here on out.
What I mean to say is that when a woman chooses a man to eventually settle down with, looks appear to have very little to do with anything. Confidence, self-absorption and the ability to sound important from time to time appear to be winning traits. Furthermore, a general aura of dis-interest draws women like a magnet.
So the moral is this: If you're reading this and you're an ugly guy having problems scoring, stop trying. If I had only listened to this advice when I was 23 then I'd be remarkably wealthier and wouldn't be seen driving a mini-van once a week. It would also take me much less than 200 billion years to get me and the kids in and out of a public restroom after watching a completely terrible movie, like..oh, I don't know...Captain America.
If you're reading this and you happen to be my wife then HAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING DEAR I LOVE YOU, and I consider myself to be extremely fortunate that you have the worst standards ever.
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