Bradley Cooper, Body Spray and Bathroom Self-Esteem

The Perfect 10

     I'd like to take the time to inform both of my female readers about just how the male brain works.  If you take the time to ask my wife, she'll point out that this is a very hypothetical subject founded in myth and slathered in B.S.  A male brain doesn't work, she'd point out, and then proceed to cite me as an example.  The rookie error here is to attempt to prove her wrong.  Anyone who has been married for over three days knows that arguing with your wife is as ridiculous and devoid of logic as attending a [insert flavor of the month boy band here] concert.  Since I have a 4 year old daughter, this is pretty much inevitable, so I may as well try to argue my point.

     Ok, just kidding!  Women were right all along.  I confess our brains don't really function - at least socially.  That's why we are able to discover the Theory of Relativity, invent television, invent the Internet and  the computer, so if it wasn't for GUYS, there would be no Pinterest (BOOM, LOGIC HAMMER-END OF ARGUMENT).  On the other hand, we're about as predictable as every single superhero movie ever made.  Take Axe Body Spray for example: 

1. It really doesn't stop you from smelling bad.  
2. It doesn't last for more than 2 minutes.  
3. It costs $13 billion per can.  
4. It somehow has an opposite effect on most women causing them to roll their eyes and gag.

     On the other hand, if you show any product to a guy in an advertisement that pretty much guarantees super-frisky, blond, lusty and busty young twenty-somethings will throw themselves at you, it's a slam-dunk marketing win.

     The reason why I find Axe Body Spray so interesting is that its message is actually quite redundant.  On behalf of guys everywhere - EVERY SINGLE TIME WE LOOK AT OURSELVES IN THE MIRROR the Axe commercials are happening in our heads.  Take that to the bank.

     The only times where this has rule has been proven invalid are in the cases of men who have been married for 4+ decades.  Otherwise the following is true:

1. Any guy who is 23490 pounds overweight still sucks in his gut in a mirror, turns sideways and flexes a little and knows he looks awesome.
2. Any guy with overtly awkward facial features can still find a pose that makes him look like Bradley Cooper.
3. Any guy who is bald owns a hat that makes him feel like Indiana Jones.
4. All guys who are bald AND fat may take a little longer to pose sexily for themselves, but it still happens 100% of the time.

     Why then can women resist our powerful manliness and supercharged awesomeness?  I don't really know, but the answer may lie in a few of my latest revelations.

Re-Treading and Other Awesome Guy Things

     If you are a chick who is recently engaged, is dating her first serious boyfriend or is otherwise entirely oblivious to life, I encourage you to skip the second part of this post and click lustily and rhythmically on all of the Google Ads to the left and right.  Doing so will generate the real-life cash necessary for me to clinically research beer and strippers.  Last week, your efforts raised an unheard of $0.02, therefore I re-arranged the layout to incorporate more ads.  Thank me when you're done clicking on them and GET TO WORK.  For the rest of woman-kind, feel free to skip the second part anyhow and roll your eyes as you click on all of my Google Ads - then make sure to link my blog to Pinterest so your female buddies can gush over my sexiness.

     Women, in fact, find it pretty easy to resist our manliness.  This is because despite our awesome physiques and supersexy receding hairlines we typically do 3-5 things per day that they consider to be a "turn-off".  Ironically, when we do these things in front of other guys it forms a bond between us and forces us to high-five each other.  I'll cite a few examples that require little explanation:

1. Farting
2. Looking at other chicks and knowing that they want us - this includes all women in the entire Internet
3. Eating pizza that is old enough to vote
4. Drinking beer and doing #1 and/or #'s 2 and 3 concurrently.

     Then there's the little known things that guys do daily that may require some more explanation

1. Re-Treading: (verb or noun depending on context) - this is the art of wearing underwear past it's shelf life by turning it inside-out thereby shifting all stains 1 millimeter further away and making us feel clean without having to do any laundry.
2. Cupping - this is the art of holding oneself for extended periods of time while sitting on the sofa, THEN secretly smelling your hand when you're done.
3. (I probably should stop here.  That's enough for you women to ponder this week.)

     I'll simply sum up by saying that EVERY single thing that happens to a man in the bathroom is fascinating to us on a personal level.  In fact as I recall from high school - Newton's First Law clearly states "A male object in the bathroom is continuously fascinated by what he is doing until acted upon by another male object"  [pause]

     This is precisely why we try not to talk to each other or even stand near each other in public restrooms.  Doing so threatens to interrupt the Axe Body Spray commercials going on in our heads.  It also pretty much exposes the other person as an alien.  We also tend not to talk because we're too busy laughing at the awful noises that come from the stalls.  Quite frankly I'd rather live inside my own empty head than spend my entire life as my wife does waiting in line for a bathroom break that involves senseless chatter and unnecessary self-doubt when looking in a mirror.

     Besides - When does she ever have the time to appreciate anything she's created in the stall?

-Dave Lumpkin

    

Team Jacob Goes Potty

Dogs are Dummies

I'm going to confidently say that I KNOW FOR A FACT that it's not breaking news when I declare that all dogs are dumb.  By "all dogs" I really specifically mean "my particular dog" because I want to avoid the random PETA hate and private letters from everyone who has a dog with an actual job that serves a purpose.  On behalf of 99% of ugly people in the world, we have terrible luck when it comes to making broad generalizations.  If for example, someone like Jessica Alba made the sweeping comment that "all Canadians enjoy yellow snow" 60% of us would investigate it for truthfulness and the other 40% of us wouldn't bother because we already accepted it as fact once she mentioned it.  I digress..

My wife, who ought to have a de facto law degree from Harvard due to the countless hours of Judge Judy she's watched, has made the error-ridden argument that dogs are smart.  She cites the examples of the apparent understanding of English that our dog "Hunter" possesses and the fact that he knows how to go potty.

I believe entirely otherwise. and here's some of the evidence I can present:

1. While my wife isn't around, I've called the dog by a made up name "Poopy-Head" and he answers to it
2. He looks dumb
3. He appears to speak Pig Latin as long as I point toward the door where he goes potty
4. The cats have told me he's dumb
5. I asked my 2 year old her opinion and she thinks the dog is dumb
6. I presented Hunter with an I.Q. test and he tanked it
7. Even my brothers know how to go potty
8. Because I said so (which is only a valid argument if my wife is gone for more than 30 minutes)

Add to that very loose and unsanitary sexual standards and basically I have a teenager living with me.

Perhaps I'm upset that there's actual teenagers out there earning a decent living while mine is busy licking himself.  Heck, some teens even help their parents out with the bills.  My dog/teen hasn't even mowed the lawn in over 10 years (I'm not saying I have either, I'm just sayin').  Basically all of Team Jacob is a lazy worthless lot.

And If you know about team Jacob, we have something else to discuss entirely.

The moral of this story is:  You will gain unlimited personal satisfaction from mindlessly clicking my Google Ad-Sense advertising 18 trillion times.

-Dave Lumpkin