The Dave Lumpkin Stripper Awareness Fund

Grandfather-hood

OK, relax, I'm not a grandfather for the moment.  For those of you who know my wife and I, you know that we DO appear to manufacture children at the rate at which most politicians manufacture partisan bickering.  The oldest one, however is eight, and thinks girls are vile aliens who want to suck the life out of him.  Now, there's a HUGE temptation to tell him that his suspicions are entirely correct, and there is no end to all the supporting evidence - my wife however, would kill me.  The eight year-old's not the one I'm worried about anyhow.

I suppose now is the time to point out that if you don't really have any kids but still want some, you ought to stop reading.  If you DO still happen to want kids but don't have any, mouse over, click and watch THIS.  Otherwise, please spend the next fifteen minutes productively clicking on all of my Google Ad-Sense advertisements to the left and right of this article so I can raise the $0.02 you will generate for my new Dave Lumpkin Stripper Awareness Fund (keep reading).

The problem lies in my two year-old daughter.  Recently, my wife began the long, arduous task of potty-training her.  The problem is that there appear to be a LOT more associated tasks with potty training than most people typically think about.  By "a lot more associated tasks", I really just mean the one task of putting your underwear back on after the fact.  My two year old enjoys parading herself around nude.

I have to think that Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden fruit somewhere in their thirties after their bodies started going to crap.  All my personal, recent and scientifically gathered evidence points to the fact that children enjoy being naked from the womb until (and I can attest to this) their thirties.  There are a lot of people who are exceptions to the rule.  They are all porn stars.

I therefore blame Eve entirely for people having to wear clothes.  CLEARLY this wasn't Adam's fault. I even submit that Adam never ate from the forbidden fruit.  This is evidenced by the fact that the fruit came from the Tree of Knowledge.  How many smart men are there out there REALLY?  Therefore I conclude that Eve was an evil soul-sucking alien bent on the destruction of man.  My oldest kid's suspicions are confirmed.

The problem is that my two year-old daughter enjoys prancing around naked so much that I'm concerned about her moral foundation.  Granted, I have no one to blame but myself and my extra-terrestrial wife, I'm just very worried that this loose moral construct will cause me to be a grandfather in thirteen years.  This isn't the ONLY thing causing my worry.  My daughter is also a gigantic addict.

Addict

Team Umizoomi and Dora the Explorer are the devil.  I point this ought because we know addictive behavior to be bad.  Both of those television shows create strong emotions in my daughter if she is NOT watching them.  When Dora or Team Umizoomi is on the television (don't get me wrong, either is IMMENSELY more riveting than my wife's addict preference of Judge Judy), you can see a glassy-stoned haze settle in the back of my daughter's eyes.  She then puts down all her toys and begins to drool slightly.  This is not unlike what happens to me when I am watching Cowboy's football on Sundays.

There is also the concrete fact that we're getting to the point where she likes one particular episode and will watch it over and over and over and over until we're certain that all of the neighbors and their pets have memorized all the lines.  I'm fairly sure that my wife and I are scientific experts on the Team Umizoomi episode where they make ice cream pizza.  I also believe that if the government used this particular episode to brainwash two year-olds they could create naked super-villains capable of driving terrorists to surrender.

I suppose my fear resides in the fact that grown women who dance around naked and are addicts don't typically do well in the 'I made my parents proud of me at this point in my life" department.  I forgot to mention that she also enjoys coloring on herself with markers (read: "early tattoos").  I also know that it's fairly early in life and my job as a father is just beginning.  At least her brothers and I are the only boys she's kissing right now, and thank Jesus she's too young for the Justin Bieber movement.

[If you're my wife, stop reading RIGHT HERE]

Therefore I'm creating the Dave Lumpkin Stripper Awareness Fund.  Please send me a lot of money so I can learn more about strippers so that I can keep my daughter from doing that for a living.  You can shorten the "Pay To" part on the check to simply "Dave Lumpkin", and I'll update you on what I've learned in a future post.

-Dave Lumpkin

Football is BACK!

FOOTBALL TIME!

Anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows that every time a new Football season starts, I become the world's most gigantic homer leading up to the season.  Now to clarify for the one single Canadian reader of my blog, I intend for the word "football" to mean "NFL hard hitting action that occurs mostly on Sundays from September through the beginning of February and is as much fun for Americans to watch as Judge Judy".  I do not mean "soccer", which is what people with questionable parenting skills do to their children every summer so that they can fight with other parents in the stands during games".

Now that we have all that clarified, I'd like to go entirely on record before the start of the 2011-12 season and predict (again) that this year the Dallas Cowboys are going 16-0 and will skip care-freely to their first Superbowl win in over a decade.  Jerry Jones and Tony Romo will both be canonized by the Catholic Church while still alive and the Washington Redskins will completely suck and be demoted as an organization to playing college ball for the ACC immediately after Dan Snyder goes to Hell.

Now the Dan Snyder going to Hell part is something that even Redskin fans can agree on, BUT that's all we really have in common.

Now, I've made a point of saying that everyone makes mistakes in life and I've made a gigantic one.  I married a Redskins fan.

As a Cowboys fan from a long lineage of Cowboys fans in the family (not to mention that 1.74 trillion percent of my family are ordained ministers), this is the scarlet "A" that I must bear until I meet my maker (which will be tomorrow if my wife reads this article).  It also subjects me to the shame and failure of family moments like this whereby my two year old daughter was abused monstrously by being forced to wear this horror:

FAIL

So my point is this.  Nobody outside of the new Dallas stadium is perfect, unless my wife gives me "the look of justice", and then MAYBE she is.  I can also safely say that I will be mired in doom and gloom two games into the season when the Cowboys have once again started dreadfully and are 0-2.  I know for a fact that due to the Cowboys in conference schedule that my marriage is legally null and void twice a year.

So if you're a Dallas fan in her late twenties who's is a 10 out of 10 that's somewhat "top heavy", please click on all of my Google Ad-Sense advertising.  In the meantime, if you're a Steelers fan who happens to like kids, I have a third rounder I'm getting ready to make a free-agent.

-Dave Lumpkin