Bradley Cooper, Body Spray and Bathroom Self-Esteem

The Perfect 10

     I'd like to take the time to inform both of my female readers about just how the male brain works.  If you take the time to ask my wife, she'll point out that this is a very hypothetical subject founded in myth and slathered in B.S.  A male brain doesn't work, she'd point out, and then proceed to cite me as an example.  The rookie error here is to attempt to prove her wrong.  Anyone who has been married for over three days knows that arguing with your wife is as ridiculous and devoid of logic as attending a [insert flavor of the month boy band here] concert.  Since I have a 4 year old daughter, this is pretty much inevitable, so I may as well try to argue my point.

     Ok, just kidding!  Women were right all along.  I confess our brains don't really function - at least socially.  That's why we are able to discover the Theory of Relativity, invent television, invent the Internet and  the computer, so if it wasn't for GUYS, there would be no Pinterest (BOOM, LOGIC HAMMER-END OF ARGUMENT).  On the other hand, we're about as predictable as every single superhero movie ever made.  Take Axe Body Spray for example: 

1. It really doesn't stop you from smelling bad.  
2. It doesn't last for more than 2 minutes.  
3. It costs $13 billion per can.  
4. It somehow has an opposite effect on most women causing them to roll their eyes and gag.

     On the other hand, if you show any product to a guy in an advertisement that pretty much guarantees super-frisky, blond, lusty and busty young twenty-somethings will throw themselves at you, it's a slam-dunk marketing win.

     The reason why I find Axe Body Spray so interesting is that its message is actually quite redundant.  On behalf of guys everywhere - EVERY SINGLE TIME WE LOOK AT OURSELVES IN THE MIRROR the Axe commercials are happening in our heads.  Take that to the bank.

     The only times where this has rule has been proven invalid are in the cases of men who have been married for 4+ decades.  Otherwise the following is true:

1. Any guy who is 23490 pounds overweight still sucks in his gut in a mirror, turns sideways and flexes a little and knows he looks awesome.
2. Any guy with overtly awkward facial features can still find a pose that makes him look like Bradley Cooper.
3. Any guy who is bald owns a hat that makes him feel like Indiana Jones.
4. All guys who are bald AND fat may take a little longer to pose sexily for themselves, but it still happens 100% of the time.

     Why then can women resist our powerful manliness and supercharged awesomeness?  I don't really know, but the answer may lie in a few of my latest revelations.

Re-Treading and Other Awesome Guy Things

     If you are a chick who is recently engaged, is dating her first serious boyfriend or is otherwise entirely oblivious to life, I encourage you to skip the second part of this post and click lustily and rhythmically on all of the Google Ads to the left and right.  Doing so will generate the real-life cash necessary for me to clinically research beer and strippers.  Last week, your efforts raised an unheard of $0.02, therefore I re-arranged the layout to incorporate more ads.  Thank me when you're done clicking on them and GET TO WORK.  For the rest of woman-kind, feel free to skip the second part anyhow and roll your eyes as you click on all of my Google Ads - then make sure to link my blog to Pinterest so your female buddies can gush over my sexiness.

     Women, in fact, find it pretty easy to resist our manliness.  This is because despite our awesome physiques and supersexy receding hairlines we typically do 3-5 things per day that they consider to be a "turn-off".  Ironically, when we do these things in front of other guys it forms a bond between us and forces us to high-five each other.  I'll cite a few examples that require little explanation:

1. Farting
2. Looking at other chicks and knowing that they want us - this includes all women in the entire Internet
3. Eating pizza that is old enough to vote
4. Drinking beer and doing #1 and/or #'s 2 and 3 concurrently.

     Then there's the little known things that guys do daily that may require some more explanation

1. Re-Treading: (verb or noun depending on context) - this is the art of wearing underwear past it's shelf life by turning it inside-out thereby shifting all stains 1 millimeter further away and making us feel clean without having to do any laundry.
2. Cupping - this is the art of holding oneself for extended periods of time while sitting on the sofa, THEN secretly smelling your hand when you're done.
3. (I probably should stop here.  That's enough for you women to ponder this week.)

     I'll simply sum up by saying that EVERY single thing that happens to a man in the bathroom is fascinating to us on a personal level.  In fact as I recall from high school - Newton's First Law clearly states "A male object in the bathroom is continuously fascinated by what he is doing until acted upon by another male object"  [pause]

     This is precisely why we try not to talk to each other or even stand near each other in public restrooms.  Doing so threatens to interrupt the Axe Body Spray commercials going on in our heads.  It also pretty much exposes the other person as an alien.  We also tend not to talk because we're too busy laughing at the awful noises that come from the stalls.  Quite frankly I'd rather live inside my own empty head than spend my entire life as my wife does waiting in line for a bathroom break that involves senseless chatter and unnecessary self-doubt when looking in a mirror.

     Besides - When does she ever have the time to appreciate anything she's created in the stall?

-Dave Lumpkin

    

Beer, Pinterest Porn and the Technology Coma

The Technology Coma

     As much as I'd like to take credit for this term, it was actually coined by my brother Drew, who for reasons I cannot disclose here would NOT be elected President of the United States anytime soon.    A technology coma happens when a person is unavailable to the conscious world both mentally and physically due to total immersion in their phone, laptop, tablet or Google Glass which theoretically allows them to see people making fun of them nearby.  Unfortunately, no one has ever actually witnessed anyone else in a state of Technology Coma, because we're all too busy checking our Facebook statuses (or in my wife's case Pinterest)

     An aside here - Pinterest is the female equivalent to porn.  Basically, it gives women 80 trillion free photos and videos to click on that they have no shot at actually doing, but gets them all worked up like they have a chance anyway.  The only difference is that my wife seems unwilling to delete her browser history after logging into Pinterest.

     Occasionally I have the opportunity and option to log off of my phone and catch what's actually going on in the world around me.  This idea came to me via an article from my sister-in-law, posted to Facebook which everyone reads on their phones about how you could become a terrible parent if you pay more attention to the Internet than your own children.  This idea was so intriguing that I immediately popped up from my reading, yelled at my kids to be quiet, and then resumed the article.  HAHAHA JUST KIDDING, EVERYONE KNOWS MY KIDS ARE STILL IN TENNESSEE, I POPPED MY HEAD UP AND SHOUTED AT MY IN-LAWS.

     All of this actually got me to thinking - I'm pretty sure the writer of the article is way out of touch or actually has no kids of her own.  I point this out because my oldest son, Hadyn spends enough time on the iPhone playing video games that a reasonable case can be made that he invented the Internet with Al Gore.  My wife and I usually have to cut the power to the house, turn the stove on until the ambient temperature is around 88 degrees, flush both our phones down the toilet and swear to 3 different deities that there is Internet access available away from the house in order to get him to go outside and play in the grass.

     For those of you who don't know, "grass" is a green substance invented by liberals in UCLA in the early 60's that helped our country invent bar-code scanners, halogen lamps and AstroTurf.  Its current applications are evident in Washington DC politics, has helped Marion Barry get reelected several times, and has helped Frito-Lay (a subdivision of PepsiCo) maintain regular record profits by causing the "munchies".  It can currently be found in Amsterdam, or in your neighbor's living room, whichever is closer.

     To put it succinctly, as I write this article via the Internet that you are likely reading on your phone, it's not my fault!  Now a recent case has been made that texting-and-driving is exactly 2323.3440001 times more dangerous than drinking-and-driving.  I'd like to point out that this is exactly because you don't always have the same access to porn at your local bar.  But I'd like to go further and examine some of the similarities between Technology Comas and alcohol consumption...

Beer versus Texting

     According to everything I remember from elementary school, beer was invented in 1492 by George Washington after he conquered the Aztecs.  Texting was invented when my friend Bobby pulled out a calculator in 5th grade and recited the following:

"A woman's boobs weighed 69 pounds, which she though was 2, 2, 2 much. So she went down 51st street to see DR. X he gave her 8 pills.....which left her.... 

6922251x8= BOOBLESS"

     As I copy-and-paste that, half of you remember that calculator trick and are laughing hysterically and the other half of you are waiting for me to google what a "calculator" is and give you the answer.  At any rate, I've come up with the following air-tight, logically sound comparisons between the Internet/texting/technology comas and alcohol:

1. Both cause you to get in random fights with people you had never met before.
2. Both give you freedom to take off your pants and attract attention to yourself
3. Both make members of the opposite sex look prettier, one via direct chemical manipulation of the brain and the other via photoshop
4. Both allow you to be more social than you actually are: beer does this by lowering your inhibitions and texting allows you to be more social by ignoring everyone else around you.
5. Both cause you to drive like a moron on I-66 Eastbound from approximately 6:00 AM up until 5:59 AM the following day.

     Now that I have enlightened you all to SOME of the dangers of texting, I encourage you to fund my next idea which I will call the "Dave Lumpkin Alcohol Project".  You can donate to me directly, or for free by clicking each and every link to the left and right of this article in such a manner that would cause suspicion from your spouse or partner.  I normally don't disclose what these projects actually do, but I feel like I can trust you enough to say that the "Dave Lumpkin Alcohol Project" will allow me to buy more beer and drink it so that I can type more on the Internet which will in turn allow YOU to be more social.

     And THAT was more truthful than anything you ever got from Marion Barry before he sneezed.

-Dave Lumpkin